oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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