You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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