God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
i think my cat just said my name.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
