The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
