i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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