He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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