Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
