I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
