I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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