he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
