Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
