Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Help me help you realize you are a moron
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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