highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
