Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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