it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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