I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
