I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
