I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
