and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
