I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
