She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
