The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
