mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
