While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
