no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
