so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
