I just cut my nipple shaving
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
