Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I just googled if crying burns calories
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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