Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Randomize
