I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
