I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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