I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
