Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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