fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
bring money and cleavage
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
