I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
