I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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