CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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