He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
