She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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