I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
