I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
