All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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