Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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