A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
