theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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