if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
