Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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