either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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