i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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