You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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