I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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