So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
