Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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