about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
