i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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