We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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