I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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