i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
