I'm really into asian looking animals
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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