I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
